On Air
by Midnight Demonn
Summary: Draco Malfoy hates getting up in the morning. Ssh, it's his secret. He tends to let the world think something else. Read on if you want to know how a journalist managed to squeeze this out of him.


**An Exclusive Interview With Draco Malfoy**

**WARNING: Content ahead may be offensive to some people. To those people, I pity you.**

"**Good morning, people of the world! This is Dash, and you're listening to Exclusive Live at FM 89.2. Its 5 a.m. in the morning and probably half of the planet is asleep at this very moment-WAKE UP, people! I considered all of the suggestions that were sent in last week on who should be the MPG-I mean to say, the Most Popular Guest on air tonight. Thank you all of the non-sleepy heads who texted in at the most inappropriate moments-I love you all. So who did I choose? George Clooney? David Copperfield? Justin Beiber? Please. No way. I wouldn't call those three infuriating people on air even if we were invaded by flying racoons and chocolate. Okay, I'm kidding. I'll make an exception for chocolate. **

"**Anyways, back on the topic. I found the person that majority of you guys voted for. No, he's not an ugly ape. No, he's not Prince William. He's this aristocratic, flaxen-haired, gallant, *coughs* pure-blooded Draco Malfoy from the famous series, Harry Potter! **

**Draco: "**Why are they all gawking at me?"

**Me: "**Relax. No one's gawking at you. You're inside a perfectly secured and deserted room."

**Draco: "**Let me rephrase it. Why are _you_ gawking at me?"

**Me (I choose to ignore him. Lalala.): "**Draco Lucius Malfoy. You were named after a very famous constellation, is that correct?"

**Draco: "**…Yeah. But if you're implying that I've been named after a star and assuming that I get all sparkly under the sun, forget it. I'm-"

**Me: "**Er, no! Nothing like that. You're very dull. Not sparkly, I mean. But your hair is really shiny."

**Draco: "**I have no instant urge to be Edward Cullen, thank you. This hair-don't touch it!-is, err… the result of good shampooing."

**Me: "**No one is saying that you're trying to be Edward Cullen. Swooning ladies love him. Why do you dislike him so much?"

**Draco: "**Two top reasons: Firstly, I am not a swooning lady. Second, he braids his armpit hair."

**Me (shuddering): "**Um, okay… and how on this chaotic planet would you know that, of all the people? You guys belong to entirely different realms!"

**Draco: **"Bella Swan has a humongous blabbering mouth, haven't you heard? We can even hear them tearing each other's throats when they think no one can hear them. It's agonizing. I'd think screeching with nails on a blackboard would be much, much better."

**Me:** "Your fans set up a list of-"

**Draco: "**Can we talk about this in the morning? The Dark Lord's been running me on errands continuously for three days. Lack of sleep makes me an old, withered prune."

**Me: "**I thought You-Know-Who was dead."

**Draco: "**You idiotic dunce, the Dark Lord's been hiding in Hagrid's hair all this time."

**Me (sputtering): "**You're not serious."

**Draco: **"Yeah, and I absolutely adore House-elves. The Dark Lord was trying to kill him, you see. But he somehow got tangled up in that hairy mess in the process and couldn't get out. So he's been ordering us Death Eaters around from there. He's gonna be the king of the hairy world."

**Me: "**Whoa. That's…frightening. Why doesn't he retire? He's certainly old enough."

**Draco: "**Frankly? He likes seeing me cleaning that giant's mighty smelly mutt's butt."

**Me: "**Did you know that Bella Swan's best friend is a werewolf?"

**Draco: "**I'm not washing his butt."

**Me (Awkwardly): "**Um. So, Draco. Let's play This or That. Which thing do you prefer the most? Verbal spells or Non-verbal spells?"

**Draco: "**…"

**Me: "**Draco! You cannot fall asleep in here! On the other hand…aww. You have really nice hair. And you could be a blonde Edward if you…"

**Draco (hysterically): "**Blaaaargh! I am NOT going to be a wretched TOOTH-FAIRY!"

**Me: "**Wait, Draco! I'm not-"

**Draco : "**Goodbye. I will not let you slaughter me like that. I have an ego too, you know."

**Me: "**Wait! One more question! Who do you prefer the most? Astoria Greengrass or Hermione Granger?"

**Draco (sending a death glare): "**Honestly? I don't remember them. All I remember are the names of Hagrid's beard hair."

**Me (fervently): "**Let's talk about Harry Potter and your first year at Hogwarts. What made you want to be friends with him?"

**Draco (squirming with discomfort): "**Who said _that_? When will I be released from your evil clutches?"

**Me: **"No sooner than you think.Second year. Did you suspect that it would be Ginny Weasley behind all those Basilisk attacks?"

**Draco: "**The Weaselette? Not much. She was pretty innocent, apart from the time when she cursed me in witless bat-boogers. And set Professor Snape's undies on fire. Which is a very pleasant memory, now that I recall."

**Me: "**Okay, the last question. Why did you join the dark side?"

**Draco: "**Because of flying cows."

**Me: "**Sorry?"

**Draco: "**You're asking me senseless questions. And I was asleep before you kidnapped me from my bed. I'm cranky. My brain is malfunctioning. Add up."

**Me: "**Answer the questions and you're free to go."

**Draco:** "That's a private question. Get out of my way."

**Me: "**Why do you wear black so much, after the war?"

**Draco: "**Because I'm not a freaking cupcake."

**Me: "**Why'd you kill only females?"

**Draco: "**Because they're all mini-Hagrids, which means that they're equally hideous and they want to hug me."

**Me: "**So-"

**Draco:** "And I want to eviscerate them because they gawk at me like that fangless-wonder Cullen. They ask me eccentric questions and want to put me in a Tutu."

**Me: "**But people love you because you're a good-looking, funny, very pale-skinned-"

**Draco: "**FOR THE LAST TIME, YOU DELUSIONAL FICKLE! I AM NOT THAT-"

**Me: "**Ray of sunshine?"

**Draco: "**No. A whiff of toilet stench. I hear he's been enjoying Hawaii this summer. Want to join him?"

**Me: "**Really? I've always wanted to meet Ed-"

**Draco (with a suspiciously evil cackle): "**You dragged me here in my boxers. I just want to do something nice for you, so that you can never stalk me and prod me as if I'm a poor guinea pig in some lab."

**Me: "**One last question then-"

**Draco: **"You and those irking questions will steal my mysterious glory. AVADA KEDAVRA!"


End file.
